The reason playful energy makes us feel desire is really simple — it's fun! We all want to laugh and enjoy ourselves. When we experience playfulness with another person, we want more. Desire is created. In life, we don't tend to prioritize playfulness over "responsibility" picking the kids up at school, finishing up a project at work — the to-do lists feel never-ending!
But this seems crazy! What's the point of life if we're not enjoying ourselves?! So, let playfulness take the stage in your relationship and you'll absolutely reignite the spark.
I love that Esther listed admiration as one of the qualities that creates desire, and here's why:. We feel admiration for others when we recognize them as separate, other, external to ourselves.
They are complete individuals in their own right. You are you, I am me. This healthy separation — or recognition that we are each individually whole — is so important in the feeling of wanting more.
We're all familiar with the fantasy-delusion that another person is supposed to "complete you. Because if you truly believe someone "completes you," you're in a dependent relationship — and that can be one of the biggest relationship-buzz-kills ever. Dependency leads to neediness, and we all know what that does to the spark of passion. So instead, work on allowing your partner to be completely separate from you, and then admire him or her for their differences.
By doing so, you are sparking the flames of passion in your relationship. Ever notice how you love having sex on vacation? Traveling induces the feeling of newness into our lives, and this a huge aphrodisiac. So, you might be wondering, how do you create novelty in an ongoing, long-term relationship? It's actually easier than you think.
Here's the thing — you're always growing. You are an expanding being. You're in a constant state of evolution. When you're fully committed and engaged in your own growth through self-exploration, by pushing your own limits, by pursuing your passions, etc. This not only creates an interesting life for you, but it creates excitement in your relationship, too. Relationships that value and support the growth of each individual thrive.
When we grow, we become new and exciting, both to ourselves and to each other. Interest in the other sparks their desire, as well as our own.
We talk about our upbringings, families, friends, jobs, passions, and hobbies — we fill each other in on our lives and what has made us who we are today. The work makes us simultaneously feel desirable and desire the other — and this is important to experiencing sexual desire and feeling like we want to have sex. Sexual desire is like an impressionable teenager — it can be pushed in different directions. If we want to get our sex drive going again, we can.
The trick is, in part, understanding what made it so strong in the first place. All Rights Reserved. Apply for Re:desire. Sexual Desire. And — more importantly, does your low libido mean your relationship is over?
Want more. Download my actionable, free self-help resources on sex, relationships and emotional intimacy. Free Resources. My Clients Are Saying…. How I Help. She encouraged us to think outside of the box with discussions and exercises that we would not have thought of ourselves. I would definitely recommend Leigh to anyone with similar issues, she is a great listener and very easy to talk to.
And physical intimacy with hubby just feels nice and like something I want not pressuring like it did before. It's that cookie message again! Like most websites, we too use cookies on our website to give you the best experience. Cookie settings Ok. Manage consent. Close Privacy Overview This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website.
We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. Desire involves letting go enough to be able to fantasise, to imagine, to be completely in our own head and our own body while being with another, but not responsible for another.
Through her research, Perel has found a number of ways to increase desire. We know this one. Desire flourishes in absence. When we are apart, we shift away from the day to day responsibility we feel for and share with our partner and reconnect with that which is unfamiliar and exciting. Desire is cramped by the familiar. With distance we are able to feel mystery, longing and anticipation — the hallmarks of desire.
We see others drawn to them and we see them exude a confidence that we may not typically see. However much we might love the person we see at home or on holidays or in the everyday, seeing them in an unfamiliar light as confident, knowledgeable, expert and sought after, inspires the unfamiliar which in turn feeds desire.
During these times, we are not close up. We watch from a comfortable distance and in this space, this person who is so familiar becomes mysterious, exciting, unpredictable. In that moment, we are changed for a while and we are open to the excitement and mystery that is within touching distance.
This is when love and desire share the space. To find the desire or to bring it back into a relationship we have to look to ourselves first, rather than making the issue one of what our partner can do to make us desire him or her more. Ask yourself the question: When do you shut yourself off from desire?
Is it when you feel exhausted? When you feel selfish for wanting? When receiving pleasure feels wrong? Similarly, ask when you turn your desire on.
When do YOU turn your desire on. This is a different question to asking what turns you on. One comes from the self, one comes from the other. Is it when you miss your partner? When you feel good about yourself? When you feel like you deserve to look after yourself? Who are you when you feel desire?
Embrace that part of yourself. Desire is about a space you go into where you stop being the responsible, well-behaved human who looks after others and takes care of things. Desire happens when you can be completely available to, and connected with, yourself while you are with another. Is it a spiritual space, a naughty space, a playful space or a place of complete surrender.
Forget spontaneity. It takes effort. Bringing back passion into a relationship takes a deliberate effort.
What does work is deliberately creating opportunities and space to be with each other. Desire, sex and physical intimacy are worth the fight and should never be looked on as a bonus extra. They are the heartbeat of relationships and the lifeblood of connection and intimacy. We deserve to experience desire in the fullest.
We deserve it for ourselves and for our relationships. I suspect now that it is to do with the fact that I have been feeling less and less desire for him. We work together and live together and we enjoy it too because we make a great team.
Lately, we have started therapy to provide some insight into my unhappiness. I am very emotional and good at opening up to him, he is a great listener. Do you have any ideas here? Your article has inspired me to focus on spending time apart more and to take control of my desires. I used to desire him and initiate but was hurt from rejection a few times that I just stopped altogether. Sometimes I think I will surprise him tonight with sex and then lose confidence.
When he initiates however I feel myself pull away which really bugs me. Any suggestions? My problem is not losing desire for a partner in a long term relationship. This happens to me within weeks of meeting someone, usually after a couple of sexual encounters. I not only lose desire my body shuts down sexually and I suffer from severe sexual dysfunctions that make sex stressful and unpleasant.
I want a long term relationship but every time I try these dysfunctions crop up and II have no reason why. This was a VERY good, well written and thought out article. Thank you!! Married 13 years to a pretty good guy with a lovely home and 2 kids. This has tended to shut me off from expressing a lot of deeper fears and feelings. Sex was never great. He has a low libido and some degree of performance difficulty.
My husband knows and we have been separated under the same roof for over 6 months. I am in a loving and committed 6 year relationship with my boyfriend. We live together and have a dog. Sex has been an issue for us throughout our entire relationship. After less than 2 months of fun and excitement my boyfriends libido disappeared completely and utterly.
We went through a long period of him having NO interest in sex at all and my libido grew completely uncontrollable. After a few years my libido dropped too. I generally mimic desire and when there was no apparent desire for me, along with being constantly rejected, I stopped desiring sex altogether. I even lost interest in masturbation. This has also lead to me completely losing that part of myself that is sexual, mysterious, flirty, etc.
We have spent years communicating about this, talking it through. I persuaded him once to try couples sex therapy but we never made it past the introductory appointment. Please, Do you have any advice that might help us? Me too … you are both not alone, this is very similarly my situation as well. It makes desire impossible.
But I was very wrong. All the sexual aspects of our relationship had disappeared. And to add to all this, she and her family are planning to move to a different country some tine late next year so I feel so frustrated that we somehow have not figured out what to do about being apart for so long because its going to be years before I can go and follow to the other country. Rose, your experience mirrors my own. I have been married for over 25 years though. What you have is a tough nut to crack.
I suggest you find support such as a therapist.
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